midlife crisis when the fog lifts

He doesnt even see it, he doesnt even see all the things were missing out on as a family bc of him. My only regret is believing him when he said it was over and that he wanted to be with me. I come from a long line of strong women. They feel a new high, a feeling of being in love. When they come for you, tell them the marriage no longer meets your requirements and shut the door in their face. When I was pregnant and this all first happened, I should have absolutely stuck to kicking him out. You may want to plan differently for your future based on the information. It is absolutely limbo and it is HELL. I allowed him to be mean and nasty. If you want to work at a paid job to build your own financial independence then your H must agree to it. Your email address will not be published. I was shaking I was so angry. Almost 3 years later I make sure I am in control of my happiness. I know I went into a type of shock the day I stumbled onto my husbands EA. And I didnt, and I will always regret that. WebSo, if you're looking for answers and support during this time, you won't want to miss this episode. And you can tell him one day its okay by me if you want to leave. During the week im usually still awake when he gets home, he will usually get home right before we put the baby down for bed. I had all the lies to me about me and backstabbing two faced bullshit and I couldnt stand any more so I outed my serial cheating husband on Facebook which made our kids mad at guess who NOT THE LYING CHEATER OR HIS MULTIPLE WHORES they were mad at me they blamed me for his screwing sewer rats boy was I hurt to find out HE set me up he played me and our kids off against each other. Stated out by spilling her guts to my husband about her partner, who was a man she had just stolen from another woman. He said he didnt want a D. He said he was confused. They are blinded by the reality of who the other man or woman really is. I hope all is well!!! I do think its a positive thing that he chooses to come home every night, but I hate that he sleeps on the couch, and i hate that he comes home so late some nights. It was like pulling teeth but I hung in there. I think at this point he has multiple OW and is making bad choices but they are his choices not yours. I find out later that there was a girl on the trip with them and he was sleeping with her before Paris , in Paris and after Paris. And then I lost all that power the minute I invited him back. BUT.writes he hasnt given up on us yet! My CH never said that wanted to leave our marriage, just have fun with somebody else. I am in my 3rd day of respecting my girlfriends wish to give her space.she is having a affair with a guy that is more than 1000kms away. I wish I could stick to it. During the conversation, you do not yell or get upset. If he wants it so badly, let him do all the work and make sure he gives you everything you deserve and more. You cant have your husband cheating plus calling all the shots!! He sent a text this morning just asking when the baby woke up. But right now you are being manipulated and used. Part of me really does believe him when he says they arent speaking. Its her or me. I say my one sentence and leave the room. He is saying he doesnt want to change. Not an issue. His words were always I want to be married. Linda: No, and the consistency. I completely understand what you are going through. Ive just got to figure out what to do next. Read up on the 180. I feel like he is just going on with his days totally fine. Do the 180 the best you can for yourself. His behavior is unacceptable!!! I told him he had to leave. I said to him that when he met the OW he became a bar rat bc she was a bartender and he went to her bar everyday after work, and now hes doing that same thing at home, just without her involved. A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. I learned this the HARD way during my Hs A. I thought (like you) that I could change him. Waiting for him to make a decision can only last so long. I dont even know why. So we will just keep going. We have both said we wont do anything permanent yet, but when he gets mad he always throws things in my face. To protect ourself. It is not easy and at times we struggle but I still love him and we get along well. Only this week, his counsellor validated my view, stating that in her opinion the OW knew exactly what was going on and was lapping up his adoration. There is no excuse for cheating and doing what he is doing. the last 5 weeks i have tried every thing to get her back. I KNOW in my heart he shouldnt be here. They kissed that night and he was do upset by his actions that he came home and told me. There is nothing you can do to change his mind. Hes trying to punish me because I made him leave, but in the long run hes also punishing them. So even though I was led to believe our marriage survived his affair in reality his sffair was not over. Hes slowly deconstructing their lives by ruining us financially. That is when he would swear he did not want to leave. Its my thinking that gets me so upset. What is that about? You just are not reacting to his cheating. And he was like I wanted to be home with the baby..and I looked at him and laughed and I said but you werent..you went out. and he was like well ya but I wasnt out late! Midlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). Hes proven hes a big liar and a cheat. 1. Wait and see what happens. K. You are in a very tough position. I know how frustrating and devastating that is to hear. I did it find this site until after DDay 2. Right now I can only go off what we discussed Sunday, which was us not working on things, separating, him looking for his own place, and supposedly not staying at home. He just wanted to be away, and it seems like thats what he is doing now a days again, but thats his decision I guess. Right now it seems like he could care less, He is probably thinking to himself I knew she couldnt handle me going out. They want to have fun, enjoy themselves, that AP is the fun and the spouse is work. Get your plan B together now. The affair started backing up again, but secretly, and turned into a PA. 3 months later, I found evidence of the affair on his computer while he was out with her. Unfortunately he used all of my suggestions against me with the OW. You tell the spouse the truth. It is Friday now so I really dont know when ill see him, if he will come home and hang out at a normal time, or if he will stay out until 3am, or if tonight will be the night he chooses to not come home at all and test that outHe is being very nice to me, he seems positive when hes around me and its like were roommates that get along great and raise a baby together and a dog. The concert would have gone until like 1 at the earliest. Ive posted an update on another thread as now my husband has said he wants to marry her in the future and have kids with her so I need to divorce him. God forbid he EVER show me his phone or prove himself. I lose my confidence, I become so angry I cant see straight. But acting them out is a whole other story. Only coming up to two months knowing each other all moved super fast . Linda: Yes. We are still together b/c he realized at the last possible second I was leaving him. He may be saying Im not talking to the OW but hes not saying who he is talking to until 2 am. I dont even know how ill EVER trust him again which is a whole other issue in itself. He told me sunday I shouldnt make him dinner, I shouldnt do his laundry, he can handle it all himself. Or me NOT inviting him and hes left out and im inconsiderate. You dont cheat. And now I feel like hes just gone to work and is thinking gosh shes so miserable. I dont know where his head is right now, but clearly were still just cohabitating and not doing anything to get us back on track. I am sorry you are suffering through this. after 9-11 when people went to wok and did not come home you would THINK he would get it. I am so not ready to go down that road. He was kicking me to the curb but when I asked him to leave he realized I was out of patience. He said he did not want to be controlled. If you dont do it now you will have given up your power to him. I do fear nights that he starts to not come home at all. I begged, pleaded, threatened.you know, did everything I shouldnt have! I would ask him why cant I get the CH to stop this or do that. I am going to go speak to a therapist, I think that will help. When I do go do things, I know hes curious, but hes very good at not asking questions and trying to act like he doesnt care, but I can tell things get to him. I thought we turned the corner. I can only say from experience that I dont want to be right I want to cross my fingers that sooner or later he will wake up!!!!. When theyre addicted to it like you said, can ANYTHING help them come out of it? Wash, rinse, and repeat, and soon, they are deeply entrenched in the fog., Also a few years back, Linda and I recorded a session for the Affair Recovery Group where we addressed the affair fog. I have recently went through a very similar experience (but caught the messages much earlier) and left my SO. I have come to realize that as long as she is in the fog I cannot love her enough or do enough for her to want to save our marriage. You have to be willing to face a possible second dday. Determined to make my life happy again. I literally thought my H started using drugs he was so out of character. But looking back, the thing that I did that I shouldnt have done was I never stopped telling you that I loved you, and that I wanted to be with you. but i have also been there for her Im not that bad when i wright down all the good times and things we have done is good. Im not playing. On the upside, later I talked about how all of those there were married, except a widow, sadly single, and his wicked divorced female cousin. Its not hate or love. (Mine did too), He expects you to dig serrp the whole thing. And I believed it. Even when I saw the phone logs in January, the next night, we went out with friends and had a great time. I have done so much reading and have handled this so calmly from DAY ONE, I almost regret it. But it was not even close to your situation. I said to him we will make a schedule and I will leave when he comes to spend time with her, and once he gets his own place we will go from there..I dont know if any of what I did was the right decision, I just know I have to gain control of my life. I havent heard from him today, which is upsetting because normally he would text in the morning. Clueless Alien Syndrome When Your Spouse Becomes a Person You No Longer Recognize, A few years back I found this definition of the affair fog somewhere online. He was so blinded he could not tell the difference between love and lust/infatuation. Get yourself a good therapist or counselor. Desesperate QUESTION? You barely communicate. I know it does. My wife began an EA after a trip out of town. He calls me or keys me know if his damn train is late. I like him at home, so its SO hard to feel like I have to tell him to leave. I think thats all part of it. At this point we decided he will move out, I told him he could stay but he said it doesnt work and he has no freedom there. Its always women. I told him his actions show he wants a different life, he wants to be in the bar most days after work, hanging out with people I dont know. In 25 years of M the D words was never used. But if they dont want it to end them the CS will find fine way to continue the A.